


amidst the chaos

by panlesters



Series: seasons of love [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, Isle of Man, M/M, idk this is incredibly soft, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23666497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen” -Bobby, age 7
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: seasons of love [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1628086
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	amidst the chaos

**Author's Note:**

> soo this was meant to be a nice, short little ficlet, around 700 words,,, it got away from me a little. but whatever i'm not gonna complain  
> enjoy!
> 
> title is from orpheus by sara bareilles

Dan’s been bouncing on his heels for the past twenty minutes, restless as they stand under the departure board at the airport. He’s a little antsy about this trip. He knows there’s really no need, when there’s not really anything new or scary happening, but it feels like a big step.

They’re finally going to have Christmas together as one big family this year. They’ve been planning this since they got married, but plans have always ended up falling through. Planes got cancelled, Karen was sick, Adrian was going to be out of the country. And then Amelia came into the picture, and Dan refused to take her on a plane until she was old enough to understand what was happening. It was only a short trip, but he really didn’t want to be _those_ parents, who brought a tiny baby on board a plane only for them to scream all the way to the Isle.

Now Amelia is six years old, and they’ve decided she’s old enough to understand what’s happening, and sensible enough to behave. Right now, she’s piggybacking on Phil, watching the departures come and go from the board, waiting for the _Isle of Man_ plane to appear. She’s being quiet, at least. The excitement seems to have died down a little in favour of watching and waiting, and Dan’s glad for the moment’s peace.

He’d tried to convince his mum and Adrian to come on the plane with them, but now he’s glad they’re taking the ferry. Karen didn’t want to leave Colin in a kennel while they went away to a place that would be literal heaven for him, and honestly, Dan doesn’t want to spend a Christmas without seeing his favourite family member.

He’s thinking now that having them both here with Phil and Amelia might have been too much, and he silently thanks them in his head for having the sense to travel their own way.

“Hey,” Phil says, out of nowhere. Dan looks up, and Phil’s hand moves to stroke along Dan’s arm. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan breathes. “Why?”

“Well, you look like you’re trying not to bounce of the walls right now,” Phil laughs. Dan sighs. He shouldn’t be as tense as this. It’s not like they haven’t had days where the whole family has been together. Every birthday Amelia’s had, they’ve all been there. Christmas just seems… different. Christmas for them has always been shrouded in sneaking around to avoid fans’ suspicions, and going to spend a week in a place that, for a long time, he didn’t want to be in. This Christmas has been a dream for too long and it almost seems too good to be true. Maybe he’s just waiting for something to go wrong. His anxiety is definitely building, and he feels a little powerless to stop it.

“Dan,” Phil says again. “We’re gonna go and grab a drink, do you want anything?”

“Coffee would be good,” Dan murmurs. And then they’re off. Amelia is off from Phil’s back and holding his hand as they walk together. Seeing them together like that almost melts Dan’s anxiety entirely. Every now and then, he’s reminded of how fucking _good_ things are. And sure, sometimes that’s enough to make him spiral into a hole of how he shouldn’t be feeling the things he feels, but right now he feels overwhelmingly positive. This, right here, is all he’s ever wanted.

He has to look away so he doesn’t get emotional. Everything is a bit heightened today, he supposes. When he looks back up at the departure board, their plane is there with a gate number. He picks up Amelia’s little rucsac from where It’s been sat at his feet and swings it on to his shoulder alongside his own, and waits for his family to come back.

It’s not what he expected at thirty-two. To be stood in an airport with a Peppa Pig rucsac on his shoulder, waiting for his husband and daughter. It was always like a distant dream. But here he is, living it.

He doesn’t have a chance to keep musing over his luck because Amelia is running back over to him. He’s quick to scoop her into his arms and bounce her on to his hip.

“What did you get, Ames?” he asks.

“Smoothie!” she grins. Phil isn’t far behind, carrying their drinks on a cardboard tray. Dan leans over and gives him a peck on the cheek, whispers a quick, quiet “I love you”, and takes his drink. He takes a sip, and pulls a face.

“Decaf,” Phil says, before Dan has a chance to ask. He frowns at Phil, who just raises his eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that, the last bloody thing you need is caffeine.”

Dan softens. Sometimes Phil really does know what Dan needs more than he himself does. He gives Phil an apologetic smile, and bounces Amelia another time to get her attention.

“Look at the screen, Ames,” he says, gesturing with his coffee cup. “Do you see?”

“Isle of Man!” Amelia says excitedly, wriggling to get out of Dan’s arms. He lets her down and helps her with her rucsac, and then they’re off.

The plane journey is better than either of them could’ve expected. Amelia spends the entire time sat at the window, staring out at the ground as it gets further and further away, until all that’s left is ocean and cloud.

“Papa, it’s so pretty!” she tugs at Phil’s arm until he looks. He can’t watch for long before he starts to feel ill, but he presses a kiss to her forehead, runs a hand through her hair, and swaps places with Dan so she can carry on pointing out to someone what she’s seeing. It keeps her entertained far longer than either of them expected, and before long they’re coming in to land. She doesn’t even cry when her ears pop, and Dan tells her that she can have her pick of some sweets from one of the shops for being so grown up about it.

Kath and Nigel are there to meet them once they’re out of security, just like they always are. Amelia is running to meet them, throwing herself at Kath and immediately telling her everything about their flight.

“Nana, did you know that there’s windmills in the sea?” she asks excitedly as they begin to walk away. Kath tells her she didn’t know that, and lets Amelia tell her everything.

Nigel gives them each a gentle touch on the shoulder in welcome, and then they’re off, grabbing suitcases and making their way back to the Lester house. Amelia is staring out the window for the entire journey again, much to the disdain of Dan, who really wanted the window seat, and Kath, who has to ask him to duck every time she needs to see out the rear mirror. There is snow covering every hill and road, though, and it is beautiful. Really, Dan is happy to sit and let Amelia marvel at the sight before her. He knows the Isle is something else, and he’s always wanted her to be able to see it. It warms his heart to see her appreciating it the way she is; he knows at her age he wouldn’t have cared about what was outside the car.

Martyn and Cornelia are already at the house when they arrive, and Amelia is once again bounding over to them. She sees them both a lot, but that does nothing to curb her excitement.

“Auntie Corn, guess what?” she says once she’s exhausted her hellos. “Look what I can do!” she proceeds to recite the numbers one to twenty in Swedish, just how Cornelia has been teaching her the last few times they’ve seen each other.

“Wow!” Cornelia bends down to Amelia’s level and ruffles her hair. “That sounds amazing, Ames, we’d better get you learning some harder stuff.”

It’s another couple of hours before Karen and Adrian arrive at the house. Dan’s surprised that there’s even enough space in this house for everyone here, but it’s almost like another few rooms have appeared out of nowhere since the last time they were here. Everyone has a room, and once they’re unpacked, Martyn suggests a hike to the beach. Adrian is quick to agree, of course, and Karen says something about needing to get Colin out for a walk anyway.

Dan helps Amelia put on a coat and her wellies, and then they’re out into the snow. Dan’s never seen the Isle snow covered before. There’s something really special about being able to share this first time experience with Amelia, both of them able to see the beauty of the landscape together. After a little while when Amelia starts to get tired, Dan hauls her on to his back and she suddenly realises she can see even further from up here.

She’s the first to shout when the sea comes into view, and Dan lets her down so she can walk herself up to the cliff. It’s beautiful, seeing the snow covered landscape become blue. They stand in awe of the view for a few minutes before Martyn and Adrian decide they should keep going and follow the coast round the island for a little while.

“We should’ve kept them apart,” Phil grumbles as they start to walk again.

They go out for a meal that night, and take up a huge table for all of them. Tales are told that have never been shared before, about Dan and Phil as they grew up, and how similar Amelia is to them both. They share a couple of bottles of wine for the table but Dan and Phil have a fair amount between them. Dan has to excuse himself when he starts to get emotional watching his mum and his sort-of adoptive parents nattering away about this and that, getting on. They’re from two separate lives, he’s always thought. He never imagined they’d come together.

Martyn and Cornelia end up babysitting Amelia on the walk home, after Dan and Phil have had a little too much to drink. They’re not complaining, though; they both adore Amelia. It makes things easier to have an aunt and uncle ready and waiting to take her when they just want a night off.

The next morning it’s Christmas eve, and it’s all go. Adrian insists on putting together some breakfast, and they all have a little buffet of berries and granola, and some vegan yoghurt as well. When they’re done, Adrian is ready to go out for a run, and for once Dan wants to join him. It’s a little strange to be going out and spending time with his brother, when they were so distant growing up. But all the old shit that happened has become water under the bridge and they finally have something of a friendship. It means a lot to Dan, more than he’ll probably ever tell Adrian.

They take Colin with them, and when they get back about an hour later the Lester house is bustling with chores being done in several different rooms. After much debate, Kath and Karen decided that the best way to organise food is to have a selection of vegan and non-vegan dishes to be shared between everyone. Karen and Adrian have come armed to the teeth with recipes that they’ve been trying out over the last few months, and Kath and Nigel are working on the turkey and various other dishes.

After they’ve showered, Dan and Adrian are put to work with Phil, peeling vegetables to be steamed tomorrow. Dan helps Amelia peel her first carrots and parsnips, and they both work through the sprouts, that Amelia is certain she’s going to hate.

The food is all prepared by the time they stop for lunch, and the afternoon is spent in front of the TV, alternating between video games and classic Christmas movies. By the time the evening rolls around, the TV has been abandoned in favour of the Monopoly board. Amelia insists on being in a team with one of her dads, and Dan calls dibs before Phil has a chance. She sits on his lap and tells him what he has to buy and where they’re going to put their houses. She’s very frivolous with her purchases, but somehow they still manage to win the game.

“You can play with me every time now, Ames,” Dan tells her. “You’re good at this.”

“Too good,” grumbles Phil, who lost.

Kath, Nigel and Karen have insisted that there are still going to be stockings this year, so across the fireplace is a line of six stockings for their gaggle of children, with an extra one for Colin as well. It looks a little ridiculous, but it makes Dan feel warm all over. He and Phil go to bed knowing that tomorrow is going to be the day they always dreamed of.

When Dan wakes up in the morning, Phil is kissing his neck and slowly moving downwards. He groans as he realises what’s happening, and Phil chuckles, freeing is mouth for a second to shush Dan. They’ve had their fair share of being heard by other family members in the past, and whilst they barely get any shit for it anymore, it’s still best to not let on what’s happening in their bedroom.

It’s lazy and slow, and perfect. At the end, Dan returns the favour, and then they laze around even longer until they hear Amelia knocking on their door and yelling something about presents.

It’s a quick shower for each of them and then they’re down, ready to open their stockings and see what Santa brought them all this year. Amelia gets a little book that will teach her to read piano music, alongside a lot of chocolate and some new socks with cats on them. She’s very excited, and she grabs Dan as soon as she can to ask him to help her with her new book. He laughs, and tells her that maybe after lunch they can do something. He shares a knowing look with Phil, who gives Dan his own secret smile.

Lunch is a huge success. Amelia’s never really had tried many vegan dishes before, but she immediately loves Adrian’s cooking, and finishes everything on her plate, including the sprouts. They have two Christmas cakes ready for dessert, one traditional fruit cake and another vegan one, kept out of reach from any possible dog attacks.

After lunch they open the presents from under the tree. Dan nearly cries when Martyn hands him an envelope, and says “this is from all of us”. It’s a trip, flights and accommodation paid for, to Portugal, complete with the promise to take Amelia in for the week while they go. Dan’s too overwhelmed to even speak, so instead he gives each of them a massive hug and moves on quickly to find everyone their gifts from him and Phil, before he has a chance to cry over it.

Amelia’s gift is last. It’s pretty big, and Dan had it shipped here so they wouldn’t have to bring it on the plane. When Amelia unwraps it, she immediately spins around to give her dads a massive hug.

“I thought maybe it was time you had your own,” Dan says, beaming with pride. “Now you don’t have to keep stealing mine.”

It’s a full-size keyboard, all ready to go. Dan and Phil have been very observant of Amelia’s interest in music since the very start, and he wants nothing more than to encourage her in this passion. He wants to give her everything he never had, and this is one way of doing it.

It’s been a busy few days. Dan’s barely had a time to stop and breathe, and consider everything that’s happened. Of course the Lesters broke out the PS1 for a game of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He says that no, he’d rather sit back and watch. This time, Amelia clambers on to Phil’s lap while he plays with Martyn, trying her best to offer her general knowledge when every question comes on.

Dan’s needed this time, just to sit and look around at what he has. It’s been crazy. He’s barely had time to appreciate it. But now, he’s sat watching his entire family crowd round a TV screen, trying to figure out the answers to some obscure general knowledge questions. He never thought he’d be here.

He never knew. He never could’ve seen this coming. But here it is. The journey hasn’t been easy. Part of Dan even wants to say he’s not sure it was worth it. He knows it was, of _course_ it was. Maybe there’s some things he’d change, but it only makes him think about Amelia, and how he can make those changes for her now, just how she deserves.

It’s crazy to think about all that shit led him here, to his husband, his child, his _family_. The family he thought he could never be close to, the family he never thought he’d have. He’s never felt so grateful for anything in his whole life, and he hopes this feeling never goes away.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ pansexual-courfeyrac


End file.
